Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
