I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
