Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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