just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
