you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
