You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
