it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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