3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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