if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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