You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
