based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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