dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
