i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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