You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So vagazzling was a success
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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