Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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