Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Bring me that man meat
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
