Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
