saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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