So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
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Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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