I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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