Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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