i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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