I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
