I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
