capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And then my night got REAL pukey
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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