Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
