I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
not ubering you a puppy
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
