I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
