Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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