I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
