I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at about main and main street
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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