Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
