Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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