just come out here and I will go home with you...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
