Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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