my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
