I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
