hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
