If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm just crazy horny about you
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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