She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
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It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
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I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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