I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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