I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
