you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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