help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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