i barfeds in our rink
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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