there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
