apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
