Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
