Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
