she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
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I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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