The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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