the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
