When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
