i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
